


something to hold on to

by litspinels



Category: Psycho-Pass
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-01
Updated: 2019-12-01
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:09:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21631786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/litspinels/pseuds/litspinels
Summary: Please do not comment on my work. thank you.
Relationships: Kogami Shinya/Tsunemori Akane
Kudos: 52





	something to hold on to

Kogami was glad the young man escorting him was a quiet one. He didn’t think he’d welcome the silence so much, with only the the tap of their steps reverberating through the otherwise empty floors. Strange as it was to walk through the CID again, not surprisingly, the place didn’t seem to have changed much. So much time in his past life was spent here, but his mind supplies information as if to a spectator, with some memories materializing in vivid detail while others, just a shadow of a feeling that must have meant something to him once upon a time. He wasn’t nostalgic, more like disconnected, because he reached a point in his life where he could no longer walk around wearing the shoes of his old selves. 

They passed by what used to be Masaoka’s room, now plastered with warning signs of “Division 1 Enforcers only – Do Not Enter” on the door. Kogami was mildly surprised, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips at the acknowledgment that maybe on the inside, some things have changed, even if they weren’t immediately visible.

“Thank you for coming on short notice,” Hinakawa said, opening the door. Enforcer’s quarters all shared the same layout, and making each room individual was one of the few freedoms an Enforcer was permitted to exercise. Hinakawa, it seemed, wasn’t interested in that. His room looked as basic as ever; fairly lit, relatively clean and looking almost untouched, nothing on the standard issue furniture, living area and kitchen giving anything away about the owner of this place. 

Kogami followed him into the bedroom, or what remained of it. There was no bed frame, only a mattress put up against the wall, ready to be brought down to the floor if he even uses it. Judging from the lack of bedsheets and pillows, Hinakawa did not sleep horizontal, in fact he must not be sleeping much at all. What was the nightstand substituted as a medicine cabinet, and on the floor were several lab equipment that he attempted to conceal with a too-small blanket, pushing them aside with his feet as he walked past. Most of the free space was dedicated to the place he obviously spends most of his time with. His workstation, with only the light from the holographic screens illuminating the small room, consisted of a large computer, complete with a digital console comparable to what Shion uses in the Analysis lab. The table was pristine compared to the floor, no dust or clutter, just a couple of framed photographs Kogami had never seen before. 

Hinakawa waved his hand in front of the screen to bring the computer to life, and the soft hum of the machine filled the otherwise silent room. 

“She’s my family. My big sister.”

He figured as much.

Akane had an arm around Hinakawa’s shoulder, leaning against his head. His shy expression, upturned lips and the tinge of pink on his cheeks, was that of someone reluctant but unable to resist. She wore a bigger smile, of course she did, and was holding her fingers up in a peace sign, something Hinakawa was probably trying to attempt before their photographer decided to capture that moment in time. The other photograph was a little more formal, if only because none of them were making funny hand gestures. Kogami felt a pang in his chest, seeing the couch on the Analysis Lab where Shion, Shimotsuki and Yayoi sat. Behind them, Akane had an arm curled around Hinakawa while Sugo and Gino stood next to them. Shion sat cross-legged, almost draping herself over Shimotsuki who sat in the middle, with her other hand clearly holding Yayoi behind them. There was a cheerful air amidst the dark room, even for Gino whose eyes did a bad job reflecting his pretend stoicism. 

“That was before Yayoi-san got released.” Hinakawa said, wringing his hands. “Simpler times.”

Kogami could only nod, smiling somberly at the vast difference from a past he wasn’t a part of, and how they were now all in the same boat, drifting and fighting a current using broken oars. Hinakawa had asked to see him under the pretense of sharing the updated version of his new holo-designer. Prior to this the only things being shared between their teams were information, and not without resistance from either side. Kogami leaving Japan for less developed countries didn’t make him an idiot to technology. He knew he didn’t have to be here for any sharing to take place.

“I’m surprised you got clearance. I think your Chief wants me as far away from the CID. And this isn’t exactly the most business-like of times,” Kogami said, gazing at his watch showing two minutes to 3AM.

“She has her suspicions, but I think…” Hinakawa replied, pulling out the chair and gesturing him to sit. He pulled out a headset from the drawer and turns it on. “Chief Shimotsuki is protecting her, as much as she’s protecting herself and all of us.”

Kogami pursed his lips, resigned. At this point he’d let anyone just tell him what Shimotsuki was like, since he never had a particular impression himself, only that she never held back in making sure he knew she didn’t like him. It was all the better they didn’t have much to do with each other, even if he trusted Gino’s testament to her character, biased enough as he was. It didn’t matter to him, anyway. The less heads he needed to butt with, the better. 

“So what’s this about?” 

Hinakawa held his hand in front of the screen, which scanned his palm and unlocked the computer. His fingers flew over the keys on the tablet, clicking through menu after menu before using a voice authenticator to unlock another program. 

“I shouldn’t be doing this, but I promise you that this is safe,” Hinakawa said, worrying his lip as he hands the headset to Kogami. “There’s a timer on the bottom of the screen, please be mindful.”

“Wha… What?” Kogami’s brain was lagging in his attempt to put two and two together. It couldn’t be…

“Please put the headset on.” 

Hinakawa’s words rang with finality; his stubborn, imploring gaze compelled Kogami to action. Never mind that Kogami’s fingers were shaking; he did as he was told because what else was there for him knowing he didn’t have to come here but still did? His curiosity brought him down this rabbit hole, and he was about to find out how deep it went. 

A small, round icon appeared on screen, blinking in red. Hinakawa pointed to the it, hesitating. “She… hasn’t been sleeping.” 

Kogami’s eyes widened, heartbeat drumming against the foam of the headset on his ear.

Hinakawa pressed the icon and the line comes alive with a short beep, followed by a longer one a few seconds after. 

  
  


And he thought he was too old for this. 

  
  


“Hinakawa-kun?”

***

Her voice sounded like wind chimes, melodic and light, softly dangling in the summer wind. Ironic that he was neither outdoors, or anywhere windy, and with a hint of sadness he remembered that so was she. There was a smile there, a friendly note welcoming a friend. Kogami held a hand to his mouth, bowing his head down in disbelief. This wasn’t the scene he envisioned in his mind. Well, he’d always been a bit right and a little wrong in plenty of things… Four years was a long time. He probably reached the limits of his imagination. 

Kogami looked up; there was only the blank screen, and the blinking red icon. The call was still active. He wasn’t imagining things. Hinakawa must have left him alone in the room, judging from the complete silence that followed after Akane’s reply. 

“Hina--”

“It’s me.” His speech came out rough, nothing like the softness of her greeting. Her gasp was cut short, surprised only for a moment. Kogami pinned his gaze on the blinking icon, briefly wondering if there would be a video feed and immediately realizing what a bad idea that would have been, for him, anyway. She was taking her time to respond, and Kogami had since held both fists on his lap, balled up tight, needing something to ground him down. 

“It’s been a while, Kogami-san.” There was a quiver in her tone, a little happier on her side, while stating a shared fact between the two of them that he wished he could laugh about. Under the current circumstances he could only smile bitterly, letting the shaky air out of his lungs as he responds. 

“Ah. Well, I didn’t really plan this.” Kogami replied, feeling compelled to return with enthusiasm, or wanting to offer something. He looked down at his fists; he had nothing. 

“No, I figured you didn’t. Did Hinakawa tell on me?” She was smiling, very much aware of her sins in the eyes of someone who did not hesitate to call her family. Hinakawa must have been worried, and now Kogami was too. In his mind was an image not so different from when he saw her last; her hair style would not have changed, of that he was certain. He never tried to think beyond that, never pushed his thoughts into the small details, never allowed her presence to take form in his imagination, consciously, anyway. On the other line, to him, she was, is Akane,  _ that _ Akane—except maybe now she wasn’t wearing his jacket anymore, and was instead wearing a different set of clothes. 

“Thinking too much?” Kogami asked. A soft rustle, maybe fabric, probably a blanket, could be heard on the other line. So she had access to a network, but not a mobile terminal, otherwise they’d have tracked her by now. She had a laptop, then. A personal one fitted with a secure line that only Hinakawa had access to. Must have been both Shion and Hinakawa’s doing, or maybe it’s only Hinakawa. He felt silly; he knew who the members of Akane’s old team were. He had ways to get in touch, but not once did he try to ask if any of them had contact with her, and yet here he is, as if by the grace of Hinakawa’s charity, even though this wasn’t really about him. 

Her response was a low hum, more breath than tone. Kogami was suspended, strung in anticipation of what she was going to say. He unclenched his fists, leaning back on the chair and imagining she was sitting somewhere comfortable, herself. 

“I ran out of books to read,” she said, complaining as if he could do something about it. She was frowning, though her tone suggests she’d already gone through accepting this fact. This seriousness was something he had only briefly witnessed but held it irreversible as time went by, as sure as his defeat at the steady aim of her gun back in Cambodia. Akane grew tough, and kept growing tougher; how odd it was that it made him smile in spite of it all.

“I didn’t know you were allowed books in there.”

“I managed to bring a few. Couldn’t get any more, so I’ve gone through all this, several times over…” Her voice dipped, he imagined her waving a hand at her books, worn through overuse and probably memorized by now. “Hinakawa-kun sends me E-books, but I guess I’ve found some strange appeal in holding a weight in my hands and whose pages I needed to turn.”

When he was admitted to a latent criminal rehab center all those years ago, Kogami also spent a lot of time reading books in his cell. One could only stand the inactivity and the almost infinite stretch of time; he knew back then that he wouldn’t remain cooped up in such a place. “I didn’t think you’d be converted into the paper book elitist club, but I’m glad you understand somewhat, now.”

“A what? Is there really such a thing?”

Kogami fought the laughter threatening to escape him and settled for a shaky smirk. This ease, this comfort that he always had with her, never really went away. 

“No. I’ll set one up as soon as you’re out of there. You’ll be an honorary member.”

“Hmm…” 

She was contemplating, and in the next few seconds Kogami felt his attempt at humor die between the white noise. He braced himself for the incoming shift.

“Have you visited your mother yet?“ 

That wasn’t the question he expected she’d ask, but how silly of him to forget that the feeling between these two women were mutual. 

“She’s been asking about you.” Kogami knew she wasn’t being very sly about anything, but he’d keep her honest, anyway. “What should I tell her?”

“Oh--” she choked, then giggled, then cleared her throat. The transition of her reactions threw him off, but he chalked it all up to his own absence at the times in her life when she had to push forward despite her circumstance. Indeed, her self-control was admirable, as was plenty of things about her. 

The line stayed silent for a few seconds, before she let out a sigh, one certain to haunt Kogami’s dreams. 

He wondered what he needed to say to tell her there was no need to fight, not here. 

“Tell her I miss the sun, but otherwise I’m doing fine.”

Kogami bit his tongue, overcome with helplessness and inability to match her tenacity. He came home once and promised his mother he’d come back, with her. What he really needed to do was stop promising things, since he didn’t have a good track record in keeping them. 

No one could confirm where she was, but Kogami had never been convinced she was anywhere else other than the basement of Nona Tower, below the fourth floor where the blueprints stopped and the walls held doors that did not budge: a place where his chances of entering were zero to none. 

Outside of Japan, he had lived with finality: a silent acceptance that fate would find him when he ran out of cards to deal, that one day he just wasn’t going to make it to the other side. He came back only to find out she was not free, and that he could only do so much with his current capacity, because the world could only reciprocate so little of what they gave. 

“Just say the word, I’ll get you out.” He could hardly mask the tremble in his voice, but it was his turn to hold back, to reel in his desperation.  _ Say yes _ , he doesn’t say,  _ and I’ll stop at nothing _ . 

Her response was the softest laughter, unbridled, the sound both a heavy ache and a salve to his heart; as if she knew it would come down to this, to him, close to begging, because he often bared himself more than the other way around, all the cracks and chips in his armor visible to her alone. 

“Don’t be doing anything reckless for me, Kogami-san,” she whispered. It was a request, the kindest one she could make without saying the words  _ trust me _ , and  _ trust this _ . She never had to. 

“I’m too old for reckless,” he joked, lips curling in spite of himself. It hurt to hear he’s not allowed to be her hero; that her freedom was placed on too many hands not his own. But since when did he ever win against her, when her hope was the brightest light in the darkest of rooms?

“I’ll be careful?” Nothing wrong with an attempt, as far as he was concerned. 

“Or you can help me fall asleep. Isn’t that why you called?” 

“You want me to bore you with details?” Kogami asked, amused at how quickly she turns the conversation around. He could almost see her smile at the other end of the line; it must truly be laughable to indulge in the whims of an old, tired man. But to her, it seemed, he had better things to do. 

“I wouldn’t be a detective if I didn’t like them a bit, won’t I?”

“Wouldn’t that be the complete opposite, then? Aren’t we supposed to help you fall asleep?”

“Maybe,” she giggled, “if you sang it monotonously, like a lullaby?” 

Kogami was very close to laughing along, but someone had to be the adult here. 

The console beeped twice and he ignored it. He vaguely recalled Hinakawa saying something about time, which he already filed as not important in his brain. “I can’t sing--”

“You can try, we have one minute left.”

Stunned, Kogami reached out to touch the holographic screen. The timer,  _ now he remembered _ \-- “Oh.”

“Security measure.”

“Yeah. Makes sense. I thought I had the whole night to bore you.”

“Quite the contrary, Kogami-san.”

The feeling was mutual; he couldn’t remember smiling so much in such a short space of time. Less than one minute left now, after four years. That truly felt unfair. He stared at the blinking icon on the screen, suddenly filled with a deep sense of longing. Perhaps the time limit was for his own benefit, after all. 

This was not a leisurely conversation anymore. Instinctively, the words escaped him faster as he watched the seconds tick down. “Do you think you’ll be able to sleep now?”

“I will try.”

“Don’t make us worry--”

“I worry about all of you, too. This is not a one-way street.” 

He paused. Hopefully she could hear the smile in his voice. “I know.”

“Well then, I don’t want the line to drop before we... so we should say goodbye.”

“Huh,” Kogami countered, and he had the audacity to smirk knowing she couldn’t see. “You know we don’t do that.”

Akane fell silent. Whatever she was thinking, or feeling, he counted that as a victory. 

“Is it too much… to hope for a next time?”

Kogami ached to promise grand things. To get her out of there. To speak face to face. To take her home, wherever that may be. The freedom he now had was making him overconfident; making him want too many things he didn’t think he could have again. He glanced at the timer, and at the corners of the room that he had to get clearance to even enter. He looked at his hands, at the lack of power he could wield. No, he couldn’t promise her anything.

That didn’t mean he’d give her up so easily. 

  
  


“Never. I’m looking forward to it.”

*** 

**Author's Note:**

> Please do not comment on my work. thank you.


End file.
